There Goes Our Only Chance to Win Something This Year

I am not surprised that there is no internet vote for this year’s Miss Photogenic at Miss Universe. Well, there goes our only chance to win something. I could have enjoyed the annual proof of the Filipino homosexuals’ internet prowess by making otherwise bland contestants win Ms. Photogenic.

I am in a veritable raised heart beats come second week of July. Batman is here and Ms. Universe, too! Nothing makes my heart palpitate faster than to watch a great superhero film a couple of days after the glittery and kitschy parade of nations. I hope someone falls on the stage like last year.

But take a look at this year’s beauties!!!

Here’s Ms. Philippines with her I have “Weak neck musculature pose:”

Well, at least she didn’t do the “I have a migraine but still beautiful” pose:

And check out The Philippines’ “national” costume:

Lord almighty….butterflies fluttering about an overturned gumamela gown???? A classmate of mine suggested that we should have the Barrel Man as our national costume. That’s so much cheaper and more interesting!

Well, it could be worse, if Ms. Philippines wore this, she’d go home to find an angry mob of homosexuals with shears:

I want to know if the Invisible Jet is part of her costume.

Anyway….

I was told that this year’s Ms. Philippines candidate is from the University of Sto. Tomas! Last time a candidate from that school represented the country, we almost had the crown. Let’s hope if she gets in the finals the questions will not dwell into premarital sex, pregnancy before marriage, homosexuality and other odious Catholic horrors.

They say there is a curse of “U.P. Beauties” for having subpar performances in international beauty contests. I guess UP better allocate more budget to deal with this deficiency. Who cares about strides in scientific research, massive achievements in all fields, all-encompassing changes with revolutionary minds in the student body? We need effective beauty queens befitting the symbolism of the UP Oblation, damn it!!!!

Anyway….

I was told by a friend of mine that United States of America sent a male contestant. Let us see:

I love her drag queen aura! What is she wearing!? She looks like a villain from Spider-Man comics!

What a Victoria’s Secret Rip-off for their costume:

Just for her spider web dress, I want her to win!!!! Pat yo weave, gurrrl!!!!!

This one should win “Best Male Jawline” Category:

Of course, since Vietnam is the host country, they have to figure prominently in some award. Can you believe this is shortlisted to be one of the best national costumes? Ugh…it’s like the time the Philippines won Best National costume when it hosted the pageant. That was boring and so is this one:

I just used this photo to include the fabulous face of Ms. Trinidad and Tobago behind Ms. Vietnam. That has to be the most winning pout in the competition.

Let’s see from the world’s beauty power house, Venezuela!!!!

Not a good picture. she looks like a drugged up horse model for Mane and Tail shampoo. Love her lips though.

What’s up with her costume?

Is she the new Sesame Street character? Elmo’s hot Latin American cousin? But hot damn, she is smoldering here even with the nose feather.

Oh wait, Dyesebel called, she wants her look back:

You know what would have worked for Singapore? If she had a headdress with a lion’s face spewing water! Singapore’s Mer-Lion represent!!!!!

This one reeks of the “Look at me, I’m rich, I’m special, who cares if I don’t win, I’m still richer than these hookers onstage” pose:

She has the self-righteous eyebrows move down pat! I just want to slap her and be her friend forever…..she may have her own company, but she can’t cultivate her fashion? What she’s wearing is sooo hot and cool……in 1993.

I want Ms. South Africa to win:

She looks like Angelina Jolie. She made posing with a stupid flower not stupid. It’s as if she’s thinking about making it into a sex toy! And her last name indicates that she may be related to South African writer and Nobel Laureate J.M. Coetzee.

Ms. Brazil is lovely…… perfect beauty queen extension and blinding smile! Good…good….show your flawless thigh…good…good…..

Well, now I know where the disappearing Amazon forest has gone to. How many flora species cried for your national costume? Love it!!!! She should have frogs jumping out of her armpits!

I love it when the costumes tell the history or cultural identity of the country like so:

And also this one…..Ms. Mexico is beautiful! Do they have the same headdress maker or something?

But what the hell is this?????

This is the “Baklita going to the market” look. Turks and Caicos is supposed to be one of the richest Carribean nations. Sadly, I’ve seen costumes from Super Sereyna more elaborate than this.

And of course, I want what Ms. Tanzania is wearing….

I love the rough hewn texture. The accessories alone can prevent one from being blown away during a signal number four typhoon. And the best part? That brown gourd dangling in front of her crotch. Why, of all places, must it dangle smack in the between her legs? Is this to make the boys insecure?

If I was a judge at Ms. Universe, I’d make this candidate win…..

….because she looks like she can track me down any where in the universe, brain me with a lead pipe and piss on my fractured skull. Bitch isn’t fierce, she’s scary. Is she the only one to answer the question in all caps? Brrrr….afraid!!!!

I wonder what’s her talent? Eating nine inch nails? Making street thugs cry? Or judging from her “national” costume….

….turning into a bat at will!!!!

I can’t wait for Miss Universe!!!